11.08.10

My Ongoing (Mostly Onesided) Feud with Guy Raz

As long as I can remember, the voices of NPR hosts and reporters have been a part of my life. My dad and Carl Castle would drive me to school. My mom and Michel Norris picked me up from baseball practice. Jacki Lyden and the family got Chinese food on the weekends.

When I lived in Cincinnati for a summer with my first serious college girlfriend I rooted for Bill Clinton to make peace happen in the Middle East each day as I drove back and forth from my job as a dairy farmer. That was me and you Robert Siegal!

I drove to my ESL job in Brooklyn with Melissa Block, incredulous at the news from Iraq.

Now, living in Asheville NC, delivering pizzas while trying to build a career as musician I listen to more NPR than ever. So many things have changed in my life and in the world. Some of them I could have predicted: I’m back here living happily in the town where I went to college, I found it impossible not to pursue a career playing and writing music, I’m going bald.

Other things I could never have imagined: Barack Obama is our first black President, Guy Raz is the host of All Things Considered Weekend, there’s a thing called Twitter.

Guy Raz has been the full time host of All Things Considered Weekend for a little more than a year. I have been on Twitter for about the same amount of time.

For those uninitiated, Twitter is a social networking service whereby you can write 140 characters of text and send it out into the world for anyone to see.

I first tweeted about my feelings towards Guy Raz at 5:02 PM on February 14th of this year. That’s right, Valentine’s Day. Here’s what I said.

“The voice of Guy Roz has ruined All Things Considered Weekend for me.”

I was concise, straight to the point. I had yet to google Mr. Raz and didn’t yet know how to spell his name. Also, it’s notable that it only took me 2 minutes of the broadcast to feel compelled to make my distaste known to the cyber-world. Granted, it had been brewing for months.

My next salvo was launched the following day. Sunday. The Lord’s day. It’s a three part tweet but well worth the characters I’d say.

People that I’d rather listen to hosting All Things Considered Weekend instead of Guy Raz? Little Richard, Fran Drescher, Cindy Lauper… 4:14 PM Feb 15th

Dick Cheney, Pepe Le Pew, Shakira, Fidel Castro, Mark Whalberg, Tom Tancredo, Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber, Matt Mitan, Steven Hawking…. 4:18 PM Feb 15th

…Trig, Duff McKagan, John Tesh, Colby Caillat, Marcus Garvey, Patrick Swayze, Chirstopher Reeves, Sam Kinnison, Bono, Larry Mullen Jr….. 1:30 AM Feb 16th

My favorite part about this tirade is the fact that NONE of this was written while Guy was on the air. The first two tweets were posted with close to an hour to go before the broadcast. The last one in the middle of the night, hours after the smarm colored dust had settled.

I week later I posted again.

Give it up Guy Raz. You’re out of your league. 5:18 PM Feb 20th

And 15 minutes later for good measure.

Wow Guy, you’re so pithy. 5:33 PM Feb 20th

It took me about a month to go again. I would describe my emotional state in the intervening time period as “abject demoralization”.

Damn you Guy Raz! 4:49 PM Mar 27th

I think I actually tried to not listen to Weekend All Things Considered during the month of April. But in May I came back with a vengeance.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, damn you Guy Raz. You ruin the news sir. Resign! 4:16 PM May 1st

Then, a few weeks later, I made an attempt at being proactive.

Starting a support group to help people cope with the voice of Guy Raz. 4:55 PM May 30th

July saw the firing of two shots. One generous.

WCQS Summer fund drive. What’s the donation level to get Guy Raz fired? 3:30 PM Jul 16th

One hostile.

Guy Raz is doing an on air beer tasting!! I hope it’s poisoned. 4:37 PM Jul 17th

Finally, this past weekend, Mr. Raz interviewed one of my heroes.

Guy Raz is interviewing Bjork on NPR right now. One of my favorite voices juxtaposed with the smarmiest voice of all time. 4:54 PM Aug 7th

Can you feel the tone of resignation? It’s almost like I’m reciting the Serenity Prayer they say in A.A., “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Mr. Raz must have felt me giving in, putting up the white flag, surrendering, dying inside. Today I received an e-mail from my publicist from my nemesis, Guy Raz.

Greetings,
A friend pointed out some of your ongoing critiques of my voice. (The wonders of the internet.) I checked out your website. Your music is great. Sorry I sound smarmy. You’re the first to use that adjective. But there have been worse. Believe me. And thanks for still listening to the show despite the vocal distraction.

Regards,
GR
guy raz | host, all things considered, weekend | npr

So, fuck! What am I supposed to do now? What a perfect move. Not a touch of douchebagery or smarminess. Is this guy a class act who just happens to have a crappy voice?

I am stunned, humbled, confused.

I guess all I can do is this,

Guy Raz, can I come on your wonderful program to discuss the release of my new record? It comes out November 2nd, The Day of the Dead.

One Response to “My Ongoing (Mostly Onesided) Feud with Guy Raz”

1. chris on August 20th, 2010 5:18 pm

   hilarious.

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